This page lists an almost accurate list of reasons why I'm still single. Alright, the first one is not entirely accurate; I'm 5'11', but I've always wanted to be taller - at least 6 feet.
At the peak of boredom and frustration one reaches this stage of self realization…so have you it seems!
Nevertheless, good piece of writing…why don’t you write a novel? Could somehow see the image of Shyam, the protagonist in Chetan Bhagat’s One Nite @ the Call Centre in your assumptions (presumptions) about yourself.
But above all, can’t stop myself from saying that the piece was really really….CUTE! (…that pisses you…right?)
Sir, I know this is your blog, but just couldn’t control the ardent desire of penning down some comments…err, actually not some…MANY! Its okay, you can bear up with this bit…now don’t tell me you don’t wait to see new comments on your posts.
1) I'M SHORT... OK, I'm not like midget short. Just short. Like 5'6"... roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there's apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c'mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren't hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I'll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys... my plan is working splendidly...)
* “plan is working”??? It has already worked man. Mmmmmmmmmmuah! I love you sweet heart! Well, come back…that was just meant to give you a temporary essence of elation. What makes you think Mr. Humble that just by scribbling some happening words and being 5-11, yet calling yourself SHORT will prompt women to go gag a after you? I mean its okay that you aimed to be taller but ended up an inch short, but why don’t you try to see the positive side of it…your better half would have had a real tough time to even reach up to a 6 ft giant. At least you’ve spared her of that ordeal.
2) I'M HILARIOUS... Sadly though, I'm hilarious in a weird way. Not in the I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them kind of weird, but in a sometimes-people-don't-know-how-to-respond kind of way. Which is fun for me. Because I enjoy awkwardness...
*hahahahahahahahaha…now that was actually hilarious! Esp the “I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them” stuff, but what is this “I enjoy awkwardness” thing all about? Some sort of sadistic aspect of yours Mr. Bean?
3) I DON'T HAVE TO SHAVE REGULARLY... I'm in my 20s. I still do not have to shave everyday, and I couldn't grow a beard if I was paid to. Now, some women may consider this cute. Thank you. But how cute will it be when you wake up next to me in the morning, and for just a *split second* you think you are waking up next to your little brother? Trust me, it's traumatic and creepy for both you and for me. *Honey, I would really not mind that “split-second-trauma” as long as the hours before that particular morning has been EVENTFUL enough. Now, don’t tell me that having not being able to grow a beard would pose a threat to your basic instincts as well! Now, that would surely be creepy!....And on second thoughts Mr. Clean, having not to shave everyday has its own advantages as well…see, you would never be late to office! Wow! That gives me 300 extra seconds to spend in bed with my ‘little brother’ in the morning.
4) I'M BROKE...ISH... Today I learned I have negative money in my checking account. That's always awesome to hear. Thankfully, I keep more than one account and was able to correct things quickly (since I'm so respondible), but still, it was scary. You know what else this means though, right? I like to do things and go out to places that don't cost a lot of money. So, I'm sorry, but there will not be any $100 bottles of wine or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or something expensive sounding like that. I mean, I'll spring for more than McDonalds... I do have SOME pride, but seriously... Do I look like I am made out of money? Well, I'll answer for you (since you can't see me). No, no I do not look like I am made out of money.... yet....
* Yet what ya? Now this is bad…you just cant stop midway like this! Grrrrr! But anyways, I think this was the best thing about you till now. It wasn’t cute, but somehow made a lot of sense. You’re right, somewhere, amidst all these steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or whatever, the rajma-chawal or the sambar-rice in a not-so-hep restaurant has lost its charm. A pantaloons or a Peter England is the in-thing now; where have the days gone when we used to stitch our clothes from the local tailor near our house and keep bargaining about the making charges. Why do we now always have to give a birthday treat at a CCD or a Barista or a KFC or a Mcdonalds? Why do we always have to watch movies in a multiplex? Why is it ‘tacky’ to bargain in a shopping mall? Why to we always have to flaunt a Vikram Seth or a V.S. Naipal …why cant we read a Tinkle in the office? Why do we have to call that damn toilet a washroom? WHYYY?.....well, Mr. Dual Account, lemme tell you something…women don’t always crave for a candlelight dinner at a five star destination; what they want is your company…whether it be in the Taj or Billoram-ka Dhaba. If you don’t look like a man made out of money and if you realy aren’t one, then I am sure you’ll get somebody, who would, instead of going out for a long drive in a ford icon, sipping a mocha, latte, or a capucinno, would prefer to just hold your hand and walk by the sea, sipping ‘nariyal pani’!
5) I CAN'T COOK... Every single girl I know says that a guy who can cook is sexy. Well, to be blunt, I cannot cook. At all. I rely heavily on my microwave, pizza delivery, and carry-out places exclusively. The last three times I have tried to use the oven, things have caught on fire. Seriously. And I have never used my stove. Ever. Also, I cannot dance well. I know that has nothing to do with cooking, but both are sexy qualities I do not posess.
*Do you have the slightest idea that your not being able to cook and dance (!) makes you even more sexier! Oh yes…it actually does. Now, I don’t really have an explanation for that…err may be bcoz women prefer guys to be a lil messy…probably that gives them more ownership of their men…I mean taking care of their men. Being the wife of a prim and proper guy isn’t actually much exciting. (Unfortunately, your de-motivational techniques aren’t just working Mr. Fast Food.) …so plz, if not in the oven, atleast keep the fire within you alive…am sure you will need it sometime.
6) I SUCK AT DOING THE LAUNDRY... Much like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. So, like George and his cherry tree, I must confess that I don't do laundry very often. It's not that I walk around in dirty clothes, because I don't. I dress very well and actually get complimented on it from time to time. It's just that I have the philosophy that most things aren't dirty after wearing them only once. Is that normal? Or is that just me? I don't know.
*Errr…Depends. In winter, its fine, but in summer….aghhhh. I think this is by far one credible reason why u don’t have a girlfriend. I will take this... Mr. aghhhh!
7) I READ... A lot. Many types of things too. Most people would consider being well read a good thing. I do too, usually. However, it seems that my success rate with meeting women who also like to read - but who aren't also shockingly unattractive in one way or another - is rather slim. I find that most people who read profusely are either socially inept or weird and boring or ugly. Yes, I realize that statement applies to myself too, so there's no need to point it out to me. *Well, no comments to this…just one question. How good are you at reading minds Mr. I-Know-Everything? …or, your knowledge is just limited to books? …just being inquisitive.
8) I HAVE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS - Um, let's be honest... how many sexy European women out there would go for someone like me? Or even hot women in general? Actually, I prefer beautiful or cute to hot. But those women always seem to be taken. *Ahhh…there comes out the MAN in you…now you will have the longest comment to your shortest post! To flirt with…you always need HOT-n-RICH women …by RICH I mean women with all sorts of real assets of course. …but, when it comes down to getting married, you are looking for that sushil, gharelu, pativrata, bholibhali, chuyimuyi-si, hoor-noor-pari type, salwar-kameez-dupatta orhne-wali, and ya an overdose of sindoor laganewali desi kudi…right??? Coz you very well know that she is the one who will compromise with your deficiencies, bear up with your whims, save money for you, burn her fingers cooking your favorite dish, wash your stinky clothes when the maid is on leave, and suppress her desires when you would be busy preparing your powerpoint presentations. A sizzling babe wud care a fig to do all this for you…so why take the risk…Huh! By the way, if you actually meant that Mr. Risk Free Dealer, lemme tell you something….to woo a beautiful/cute woman, you really have to step down a lil bit from your level of intellect and see the world from her eyes. When you talk to her, she shouldn’t be put under the constant tension that you would outsmart her or outwit her any moment…beautiful/cute women hate oversmart and over confident guys…err…I think am getting a bit carried away now. Lemme stop here.
9) I'M CUTE... yes, it's true. Or so I am told. Cute cute cute. Unfortunately however, I am not like Orlando Bloom meets Brad Pitt meets Jake Gyllenhall cute. Nope... instead, I am cute like your baby nephew. It hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm convinced that people are just dying to pinch my cheeks and mess up my hair when they see me. It's only a matter of time. So yes, I'm cute, but not in the actually attractive kind of way. Which sucks. *Okay fine…6 points back, you were my little brother, now you are my baby nephew. Ooooooooooh! Don’t be sooooo sad Mr. Shahid kapoor. Its all about attitude…you know that angry-young-man types…that can camouflage your looks sweety. Now wait, angry-young-man doesn’t mean rude-crude-brute, so don’t get impulsive and start shouting at those beautiful women around you! …And by the way, what is so ‘not sexy’ about pinching your cheeks and messing up with your hair. For all you know, you might find it really really exciting when your girlfriend (?) runs her warm, enameled fingers across your silky locks in one of those mushy afternoons….DON’T DROOL, COME BACK….I was just talking of probabilities Mr. Cutie Pie!
10) I'M WRITING THIS ON CRAIGSLIST... Enough said. But hey, YOURE the one reading it :) HA! Take THAT!
* Very funny! It was meant to be read…right! Why do you always need to act smart…I mean , its okay that you write pretty well and you have the guts to point out your own drawbacks, but that doesn’t give you the authority to be so sarcastic every time.
So, there you have it. I don't mean to offend anyone or to start a debate. Obviously, this was done very tongue-in-cheek. I just wanted to write a list. There are plenty of positive things about me too, but the thought of writing this list occured to me today while taking a shower. And everyone knows that usually our best ideas come while in the shower. So I just HAD to write this.
GOSH! I actually wrote that big a comment for somebody I don’t know! Somebody actually took so much pain for you!...do you realize that? CALM DOWN…I am not in love with you…I am just killing my time! Okay…now don’t get too excited…coz now I am going to say something good after all this critical analysis! You write really well…I have read almost all your posts….I mean, not really all of them, but quite a few! So…Mr. Ten-Point-Someone…keep writing…will wait for more updates on your positive aspects…. till then, Cheers to your ‘Singlehood’ (Trust me…its much better off this way!)
This is for Mr Mandar Talvekar...could he just explain what has arranged marriage got to do with having or not having a girl-friend? And in anywayz the reasons (deficiencies) that the blogger has listed here is enuf to screw up even his married life, be it arranged or otherwise! Going by your suggestion he should rename this post as "Reasons Why I Would Have a DIVORCE!"
5 comments:
At the peak of boredom and frustration one reaches this stage of self realization…so have you it seems!
Nevertheless, good piece of writing…why don’t you write a novel? Could somehow see the image of Shyam, the protagonist in Chetan Bhagat’s One Nite @ the Call Centre in your assumptions (presumptions) about yourself.
But above all, can’t stop myself from saying that the piece was really really….CUTE! (…that pisses you…right?)
coz you are destined to go the kaande -pohe route. Arranged marriage for you.
Sir,
I know this is your blog, but just couldn’t control the ardent desire of penning down some comments…err, actually not some…MANY! Its okay, you can bear up with this bit…now don’t tell me you don’t wait to see new comments on your posts.
1) I'M SHORT... OK, I'm not like midget short. Just short. Like 5'6"... roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there's apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c'mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren't hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I'll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys... my plan is working splendidly...)
* “plan is working”??? It has already worked man. Mmmmmmmmmmuah! I love you sweet heart! Well, come back…that was just meant to give you a temporary essence of elation. What makes you think Mr. Humble that just by scribbling some happening words and being 5-11, yet calling yourself SHORT will prompt women to go gag a after you? I mean its okay that you aimed to be taller but ended up an inch short, but why don’t you try to see the positive side of it…your better half would have had a real tough time to even reach up to a 6 ft giant. At least you’ve spared her of that ordeal.
2) I'M HILARIOUS... Sadly though, I'm hilarious in a weird way. Not in the I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them kind of weird, but in a sometimes-people-don't-know-how-to-respond kind of way. Which is fun for me. Because I enjoy awkwardness...
*hahahahahahahahaha…now that was actually hilarious! Esp the “I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them” stuff, but what is this “I enjoy awkwardness” thing all about? Some sort of sadistic aspect of yours Mr. Bean?
3) I DON'T HAVE TO SHAVE REGULARLY... I'm in my 20s. I still do not have to shave everyday, and I couldn't grow a beard if I was paid to. Now, some women may consider this cute. Thank you. But how cute will it be when you wake up next to me in the morning, and for just a *split second* you think you are waking up next to your little brother? Trust me, it's traumatic and creepy for both you and for me.
*Honey, I would really not mind that “split-second-trauma” as long as the hours before that particular morning has been EVENTFUL enough. Now, don’t tell me that having not being able to grow a beard would pose a threat to your basic instincts as well! Now, that would surely be creepy!....And on second thoughts Mr. Clean, having not to shave everyday has its own advantages as well…see, you would never be late to office! Wow! That gives me 300 extra seconds to spend in bed with my ‘little brother’ in the morning.
4) I'M BROKE...ISH... Today I learned I have negative money in my checking account. That's always awesome to hear. Thankfully, I keep more than one account and was able to correct things quickly (since I'm so respondible), but still, it was scary. You know what else this means though, right? I like to do things and go out to places that don't cost a lot of money. So, I'm sorry, but there will not be any $100 bottles of wine or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or something expensive sounding like that. I mean, I'll spring for more than McDonalds... I do have SOME pride, but seriously... Do I look like I am made out of money? Well, I'll answer for you (since you can't see me). No, no I do not look like I am made out of money.... yet....
* Yet what ya? Now this is bad…you just cant stop midway like this! Grrrrr! But anyways, I think this was the best thing about you till now. It wasn’t cute, but somehow made a lot of sense. You’re right, somewhere, amidst all these steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or whatever, the rajma-chawal or the sambar-rice in a not-so-hep restaurant has lost its charm. A pantaloons or a Peter England is the in-thing now; where have the days gone when we used to stitch our clothes from the local tailor near our house and keep bargaining about the making charges. Why do we now always have to give a birthday treat at a CCD or a Barista or a KFC or a Mcdonalds? Why do we always have to watch movies in a multiplex? Why is it ‘tacky’ to bargain in a shopping mall? Why to we always have to flaunt a Vikram Seth or a V.S. Naipal …why cant we read a Tinkle in the office? Why do we have to call that damn toilet a washroom? WHYYY?.....well, Mr. Dual Account, lemme tell you something…women don’t always crave for a candlelight dinner at a five star destination; what they want is your company…whether it be in the Taj or Billoram-ka Dhaba. If you don’t look like a man made out of money and if you realy aren’t one, then I am sure you’ll get somebody, who would, instead of going out for a long drive in a ford icon, sipping a mocha, latte, or a capucinno, would prefer to just hold your hand and walk by the sea, sipping ‘nariyal pani’!
5) I CAN'T COOK... Every single girl I know says that a guy who can cook is sexy. Well, to be blunt, I cannot cook. At all. I rely heavily on my microwave, pizza delivery, and carry-out places exclusively. The last three times I have tried to use the oven, things have caught on fire. Seriously. And I have never used my stove. Ever. Also, I cannot dance well. I know that has nothing to do with cooking, but both are sexy qualities I do not posess.
*Do you have the slightest idea that your not being able to cook and dance (!) makes you even more sexier! Oh yes…it actually does. Now, I don’t really have an explanation for that…err may be bcoz women prefer guys to be a lil messy…probably that gives them more ownership of their men…I mean taking care of their men. Being the wife of a prim and proper guy isn’t actually much exciting. (Unfortunately, your de-motivational techniques aren’t just working Mr. Fast Food.) …so plz, if not in the oven, atleast keep the fire within you alive…am sure you will need it sometime.
6) I SUCK AT DOING THE LAUNDRY... Much like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. So, like George and his cherry tree, I must confess that I don't do laundry very often. It's not that I walk around in dirty clothes, because I don't. I dress very well and actually get complimented on it from time to time. It's just that I have the philosophy that most things aren't dirty after wearing them only once. Is that normal? Or is that just me? I don't know.
*Errr…Depends. In winter, its fine, but in summer….aghhhh. I think this is by far one credible reason why u don’t have a girlfriend. I will take this... Mr. aghhhh!
7) I READ... A lot. Many types of things too. Most people would consider being well read a good thing. I do too, usually. However, it seems that my success rate with meeting women who also like to read - but who aren't also shockingly unattractive in one way or another - is rather slim. I find that most people who read profusely are either socially inept or weird and boring or ugly. Yes, I realize that statement applies to myself too, so there's no need to point it out to me.
*Well, no comments to this…just one question. How good are you at reading minds Mr. I-Know-Everything? …or, your knowledge is just limited to books? …just being inquisitive.
8) I HAVE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS - Um, let's be honest... how many sexy European women out there would go for someone like me? Or even hot women in general? Actually, I prefer beautiful or cute to hot. But those women always seem to be taken.
*Ahhh…there comes out the MAN in you…now you will have the longest comment to your shortest post! To flirt with…you always need HOT-n-RICH women …by RICH I mean women with all sorts of real assets of course. …but, when it comes down to getting married, you are looking for that sushil, gharelu, pativrata, bholibhali, chuyimuyi-si, hoor-noor-pari type, salwar-kameez-dupatta orhne-wali, and ya an overdose of sindoor laganewali desi kudi…right??? Coz you very well know that she is the one who will compromise with your deficiencies, bear up with your whims, save money for you, burn her fingers cooking your favorite dish, wash your stinky clothes when the maid is on leave, and suppress her desires when you would be busy preparing your powerpoint presentations. A sizzling babe wud care a fig to do all this for you…so why take the risk…Huh!
By the way, if you actually meant that Mr. Risk Free Dealer, lemme tell you something….to woo a beautiful/cute woman, you really have to step down a lil bit from your level of intellect and see the world from her eyes. When you talk to her, she shouldn’t be put under the constant tension that you would outsmart her or outwit her any moment…beautiful/cute women hate oversmart and over confident guys…err…I think am getting a bit carried away now. Lemme stop here.
9) I'M CUTE... yes, it's true. Or so I am told. Cute cute cute. Unfortunately however, I am not like Orlando Bloom meets Brad Pitt meets Jake Gyllenhall cute. Nope... instead, I am cute like your baby nephew. It hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm convinced that people are just dying to pinch my cheeks and mess up my hair when they see me. It's only a matter of time. So yes, I'm cute, but not in the actually attractive kind of way. Which sucks.
*Okay fine…6 points back, you were my little brother, now you are my baby nephew. Ooooooooooh! Don’t be sooooo sad Mr. Shahid kapoor. Its all about attitude…you know that angry-young-man types…that can camouflage your looks sweety. Now wait, angry-young-man doesn’t mean rude-crude-brute, so don’t get impulsive and start shouting at those beautiful women around you!
…And by the way, what is so ‘not sexy’ about pinching your cheeks and messing up with your hair. For all you know, you might find it really really exciting when your girlfriend (?) runs her warm, enameled fingers across your silky locks in one of those mushy afternoons….DON’T DROOL, COME BACK….I was just talking of probabilities Mr. Cutie Pie!
10) I'M WRITING THIS ON CRAIGSLIST... Enough said. But hey, YOURE the one reading it :) HA! Take THAT!
* Very funny! It was meant to be read…right! Why do you always need to act smart…I mean , its okay that you write pretty well and you have the guts to point out your own drawbacks, but that doesn’t give you the authority to be so sarcastic every time.
So, there you have it. I don't mean to offend anyone or to start a debate. Obviously, this was done very tongue-in-cheek. I just wanted to write a list. There are plenty of positive things about me too, but the thought of writing this list occured to me today while taking a shower. And everyone knows that usually our best ideas come while in the shower. So I just HAD to write this.
GOSH! I actually wrote that big a comment for somebody I don’t know! Somebody actually took so much pain for you!...do you realize that? CALM DOWN…I am not in love with you…I am just killing my time!
Okay…now don’t get too excited…coz now I am going to say something good after all this critical analysis!
You write really well…I have read almost all your posts….I mean, not really all of them, but quite a few!
So…Mr. Ten-Point-Someone…keep writing…will wait for more updates on your positive aspects….
till then,
Cheers to your ‘Singlehood’ (Trust me…its much better off this way!)
This is for Mr Mandar Talvekar...could he just explain what has arranged marriage got to do with having or not having a girl-friend? And in anywayz the reasons (deficiencies) that the blogger has listed here is enuf to screw up even his married life, be it arranged or otherwise! Going by your suggestion he should rename this post as "Reasons Why I Would Have a DIVORCE!"
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